Advice | Ask Sahaj: I feel guilty moving away from my immigrant parents - The Washington Post

I’m present successful my mid-twenties and moving distant for the archetypal clip successful my beingness to commencement aesculapian school. Since some my member and I lived astatine location during our undergraduate degrees and beyond, we’ve ever had our parents astir and they’ve ever had us. I don’t deliberation we cognize beingness without each other.

I cognize they’re truthful arrogant and excited for maine connected this caller journey, but I can’t assistance but consciousness blameworthy for leaving. I’ve ever been a enactment strategy for them — particularly for my mother, since my begetter often travels for enactment — and present I consciousness similar I’m taking distant immoderate of their happiness and stability.

My grandma tells maine she’s bittersweet that I’m leaving due to the fact that my dada volition beryllium mislaid without me. How bash I equilibrium this breathtaking clip successful my beingness without feeling similar I’m liable for my parents’ loneliness aft I leave? How bash I halt feeling blameworthy for leaving my parents and moving distant for school?

— Guilt-Ridden Daughter

Dear Guilt-Ridden Daughter: It’s truly saccharine that you consciousness truthful adjacent with your parents. However, feeling adjacent with idiosyncratic and feeling liable for idiosyncratic are 2 antithetic things. You whitethorn acquisition discomfort implicit being connected your own, oregon for leaving your home, but retrieve this is simply a mean signifier of life. All families relation a definite mode — each idiosyncratic playing a relation — and erstwhile this is disrupted, it’s not uncommon for these changes to origin discomfort, disappointment oregon guilt among household members.

Feelings are not needfully fact. You tin consciousness similar you’re doing thing incorrect due to the fact that idiosyncratic isn’t blessed with what you’re doing. But it doesn’t inherently marque what you’re doing wrong. This feeling tin beryllium overpowering, but having it doesn’t marque it true.

There are respective strategies for learning to negociate guilt. Some of these include:

You look to beryllium emotion monitoring, which is anticipating and being hyper-aware of however others are feeling. Having empathy isn’t bad, but it seems similar this has swung into territory wherever you are absorbing the feelings of your household members alternatively than acknowledging them arsenic abstracted entities. This tin bespeak a much enmeshed household system, wherever your behaviors and feelings whitethorn beryllium tied to your household members’, causing your feelings of immense guilt.

It’s not uncommon for migrant daughters to beryllium affectional caregivers successful their families. It whitethorn beryllium utile for you to bespeak connected whether sex roles impacted the ways you and your member were encouraged to amusement up successful your family. It whitethorn assistance you to sermon with your member however you tin enactment unneurotic to amusement up for your household without sacrificing yourself.

In my enactment with children of immigrants, I spot galore conflict with unrealistic oregon precocious standards for themselves. I perceive things like: saying nary is selfish oregon disrespectful; different people’s happiness is my responsibility; if my parents aren’t happy, I can’t beryllium happy. This tin pb to unhelpful guilt that isn’t rooted successful realistic expectations we, oregon others, person of ourselves.

I interest the guilt you’re feeling is unhelpful. I promote you to show that guilt truthful it doesn’t pb to shame — oregon feelings that you are a atrocious daughter/granddaughter for leaving home. Guilt is simply a informing sign, a reminder to intermission and reflect. Healthy guilt alerts america to our morality — to the symptom and wounded we whitethorn origin others, oregon to societal and taste standards that we cross. It yet helps america redirect our motivation oregon behavioral compass.

You amusement a batch of compassion for your parents and their travel coming to this country. Ultimately, I wager they astir apt privation what is champion for you. So retrieve to person compassion for yourself, that you are doing the champion you can, too. You are navigating caller terrain and caller household dynamics conscionable similar your parents did by emigrating. Your courageousness to transportation that momentum guardant is simply a beauteous thing.