Math confusion: The Bottom 10 unveils the Faux Pas Index for final rankings

Inspirational thought of the week:

"I cognize wherever I'd go."
"Where?"
"I'd spell to Akron. I'd spell determination with a beauteous woman. A unusual woman. A quiescent woman. I wouldn't adjacent privation to cognize her name. Where I would beryllium conscionable 'Mr. Smith' and I would nonstop retired for acold beer. Then I would archer her things. Things that I've ne'er told to anyone. Things that are locked heavy successful here. And arsenic I speech to her, I would privation her to clasp retired a brushed manus and say, 'Poor thing. Poor, mediocre thing.'"
"How agelong would you privation this to spell on, doctor?"
"Two weeks."
"Two weeks? Wouldn't that get a small monotonous? Just Akron, acold brew and 'poor thing' for 2 weeks?"
"No, it would beryllium wonderful."

-- Cecil Kellaway and Jimmy Stewart arsenic Dr. Chumley and Elwood P. Dowd successful "Harvey"

Here astatine Bottom 10 Headquarters, located successful the country of record cabinets wherever Deion Sanders stores each the Power 5 occupation offers that helium wants america to cognize astir but doesn't program to take, we person been thrown disconnected of our corporate axis. Our docket is uglier and much breached down than a Pontiac Aztek. Our calendar has been erased much times than idiosyncratic trying to usage an Etch A Sketch successful a centrifuge. What we're saying is that our mean end-of-regular-season regular has been ruined. Instead of the accustomed gathering of our Bottom 10 Selection Committee astatine the DFW Hacienda Courts, our yearly assemblage of assemblage shot minds specified arsenic Jerry Glanville, Charlie Weis and Ed "Straight Arrow" Gennero, we told them each to enactment home.

Why? The play isn't implicit yet. No, nary of our teams abruptly received an invitation to a league title game. The occupation is that a upland of snowfall 2 weekends agone kept 1 of our contenders from playing its last crippled and present we person to hold to spot what happens.

Dammit, Akron.

So, alternatively of holding our mean fake CFP committee vote, we person gone afloat aged schoolhouse and are alternatively employing a fake old-school BCS approach. Yes, we are doing math. But arsenic opposed to relying connected the sorcerously close ESPN FPI -- the Football Power Index -- we person conjured up the Bottom 10 FPI -- the Faux Pas Index.

It's elemental really. And by simple, we mean wholly convoluted. Teams person 1 constituent for each win, minus 1 constituent for each loss, minus 1 constituent for each nonaccomplishment of their longest losing streak of the year, positive a minus-10 bonus if that streak is presently active. We besides subtract the fig of points they person surrendered from the fig of points they person scored, subtract oregon adhd points based connected turnover borderline and propulsion successful a 50-point simplification if they person fired their caput manager this season, aka the Randy Edsall Fired Coach Bonus. Divide that by the fig of games played -- let's telephone that the Akron Principle -- and there's your Bottom 10 FPI score.

So get disconnected your ath, let's bash immoderate math. Math, math, math, math, math.

With apologies to Dewey Finn, Euclid, erstwhile Michigan State Spartan Addie Gaddis and Steve Harvey, here's the last (sort of) 2022 Bottom 10 rankings.

1. Colora-duh (1-11)

Wins: +1
Losses: -11
Longest losing streak: -6 (current -10)
185 points for, 534 points against: -349
Turnover margin: -12 (tied with Akron for 4th worst successful FBS)
Randy Edsall Fired Coach Bonus: -50
Total: -437
Games played: 12
Final Bottom 10 Faux Pas Index: -36.42

While the Buffs hold to beryllium rebuffed by Deion, they tin astatine slightest walk that clip celebrating a championship. We knew that 2022 had been a full mess, but erstwhile we pushed it done the numerical food grater of the Bottom 10 FPI formula, Colorado became the assemblage shot equivalent of Jared Leto's "Morbius." We were already plentifulness definite it was going to beryllium bad. We conscionable ne'er could person imagined it would beryllium that awful.

play

1:36

Keyshawn Johnson breaks down wherefore Deion Sanders would beryllium a bully acceptable arsenic the caput manager astatine Colorado.

2. UMess (1-11)

Wins: +1
Losses: -11
Longest losing streak: -9 (current -10)
150 points for, 373 points against: -223
Turnover margin: -3
Randy Edsall Fired Coach Bonus: N/A
Score: -255
Games played: 12
Final Bottom 10 FPI: -21.25

The Minutemen finished the twelvemonth by losing back-to-back Pillow Fights of the Week against Arkansaw State and Texas A&M, and past suffering the worst precocious November nonaccomplishment to Army since Allied forces crossed the Siegfried Line.

3. US(notC)F (1-11)

Wins: +1
Losses: -11
Longest losing streak: -10 (current -10)
336 points for, 494 points against: -158
Turnover margin: -4
Randy Edsall Fired Coach Bonus: -50
Total: -242
Games played: 12
Final Bottom 10 FPI: -20.17

The Bulls ended the play riding assemblage football's second-longest progressive losing streak, a tally that included L's suffered astatine the hands of a TU and UT, chap Bottom 10 nonmigratory Temple and reigning Myrtle Beach Bowl champs Tulsa, which conscionable fired its caput coach.

4. North by Northworstern (1-11)

Wins: +1
Losses: -11
Longest losing streak: -11 (current -10)
165 points for, 340 points against: -175
Turnover margin: -19 (worst successful FBS)
Randy Edsall Fired Coach Bonus: N/A
Total: -225
Games played: 12
Final Bottom 10 FPI: -18.75

In lawsuit you were wondering who successful the satellite could person mislaid much consecutive times than USF's 10 successful a row, let america to amusement you astir beauteous Evanston, Illinois.

5. Give maine Liberty oregon springiness maine decease ...

at the hands of the Other Aggies! The Flames onshore successful the Coveted Fifth Spot aft flaming retired astatine the extremity of an different heavenly 8-4 play with a stunning 49-14 nonaccomplishment to earthy geographic rival New Mexico State, a crippled that the different FPI said that Liberty had a 95.7% accidental of winning. I ideate it was hard for Hugh Freeze to support some eyes connected the playbook portion helium was besides connected the sideline scrolling done WarDamnEagleHousesForSale.com.

6. Huh-why-yuh (3-10)

Wins: +3
Losses: -10
Longest losing streak: -4
257 points for, 451 points against: -194
Turnover margin: -8
Randy Edsall Fired Coach Bonus: N/A
Total: -213
Games played: 13
Final Bottom 10 FPI: -16.38

Akron whitethorn person played excessively fewer games, but the Warriors person played excessively galore arsenic they person the lone Bottom 10 FPI that was divisible by an unlucky 13. In fairness, Timmy Chang's squad improved dramatically arsenic a play that started with it ranked first/worst aboriginal and often continued to plow ahead. In fact, the land of Oahu was truthful irritated implicit the play ending that Mauna Loa erupted for the archetypal clip successful astir 40 years.

7. Charlotte 3-and-9ers (3-9)

Wins: +3
Losses: -9
Longest losing streak: -4
294 points for, 473 points against: -180
Turnover margin: -8
Randy Edsall Fired Coach Bonus: -50
Total: -248
Games played: 12
Final Bottom 10 FPI: -20.67

Speaking of eruptions, I americium already bracing myself for my adjacent sojourn to my section supermarket present successful my location of Charlotte, wherever the kid who rings maine up ever has maine connected blast whenever I person his Niners successful these rankings. I already cognize what he's going to accidental first. "But we ended the play with a triumph implicit Louisiana Tech and they are besides 3-9, truthful wherefore aren't they successful the Bottom 10 alternatively of us?!" I volition pass him that erstwhile we ran the 3-and-9ers vs. Lose-ee-anna Tech successful the computer, it wasn't adjacent close. Charlotte, acknowledgment to a overmuch larger points for/against margin, turnover borderline and fired manager bonus, astir doubled Louisiana Tech's FPI of minus-10.67. I besides already cognize what he'll accidental next. "Dude, what is with your groceries? You devour similar an 8-year-old."

8. Akronmonious (2-9)

Wins: +2
Losses: -9
Longest losing streak: -9
239 points for, 379 points against: -140
Turnover margin: -11
Randy Edsall Fired Coach Bonus: N/A
Total: -167
Games played: 11
Final Bottom 10 FPI: -15.18

In lawsuit you were wondering, yes, the Zips conscionable won their 2nd crippled of the twelvemonth and did truthful against different chap #MACtion Bottom 10 contender successful Northern Ill-ugh-noise. But arsenic you cognize from watching the CFP rankings announcement shows each week, this is each astir "body of work" and Akron's anatomy is Thor successful "Avengers: Endgame." NIU's Bottom 10 FPI is minus-6.08, hardly much than a 3rd of the Zips, who are 15.18 beneath zip. Speaking of successful lawsuit you were wondering and speaking of numbers that commencement with 15, Akron has a 15.4% accidental of winning its do-over astatine Buffalo connected Friday night. But that's according to the ESPN FPI, and present that we person seen however casual it is to travel up with an FPI formula, we're not definite we spot it anymore.

9. Whew Mexico No-bos (2-10)

Wins: +2
Losses: -10
Longest losing streak: -9 (current -10)
157 points for, 312 points against: -155
Turnover margin: +4
Randy Edsall Fired Coach Bonus: N/A
Total: -178
Games played: 12
Final Bottom 10 FPI: -14.83

The No-bos ended the twelvemonth by providing erstwhile top/bottom squad Colora-duh State with the triumph they needed to boost themselves implicit the partition and retired of the Bottom 10 situation yard. So wherefore aren't they ranked higher/lower than they are? Look astatine that turnover margin. Whew Mexico ranks 38th successful each of FBS, tied with the likes of Cincinnati and Washington State. Come on, guys, are you trying to triumph this thing, oregon aren't you?

10. No-vada (2-10)

Wins: +2
Losses: -10
Longest losing streak: -10 (current -10)
226 points for, 371 points against: -145
Turnover margin: +2
Randy Edsall Fired Coach Bonus: N/A
Total: -171
Games played: 12
Final Bottom 10 FPI: -14.25

The contention to unafraid this last spot was tighter than a brace of Underoos washed successful too-hot water, but the Oof Pack edged retired the remainder of the, er, battalion via the nation's different second-longest losing streak. The quality betwixt Whew Mexico and its Mountain West mates successful Reno is thinner than the gravy connected the $3 meatloaf successful downtown Reno. They shared 7 communal opponents and portion New Mexico mislaid to each seven, Nevada did bushed Liberty destroyers Whew Mexico State backmost successful Week 1. The Pack ended the play with a nonaccomplishment to unLv, who reacted by ... instantly firing its coach?

Waiting list: Temple of Doom, Arkansaw State, Colora-duh State, Lose-ee-anna Tech, Old Duh-minions, Northern Ill-ugh-noise, Stampford, Virginia Tech No-kies, In A Rut-gers, #goBCc, Arizona Skate, the extremity of the regular play ... boo.