Pancreatic cancer: What losing my wife taught me about life and loss

Just 4 months ago, Geraint John mislaid his 43-year-old woman and the parent of his 3 children to pancreatic cancer.

The time Deb died, helium became a solo genitor to their 3 recently bereaved children portion surviving with his ain crushing grief.

He has chosen to archer his communicative to assistance others going done oregon preparing to spell done the decease of a partner.

He besides has proposal for anyone supporting idiosyncratic who is bereaved.

Geraint, 41, said beingness changed overnight erstwhile Deb was diagnosed with signifier 2 pancreatic crab successful March 2021.

"You've got this immense value connected your shoulders... you're grieving for the beingness you had earlier and you're successful anticipatory grief, you cognize perchance what's coming and you're dreading it," helium said.

"When it does hap you conscionable get wholly deflated and you conscionable tally retired of steam, which is wherever I'm astatine now."

Geraint met Deb astatine a gig successful 2005, 3 months aboriginal she discontinue her occupation successful Nottingham to determination to unrecorded with him successful Cardiff and they joined the pursuing year.

They would spell connected to person 3 children - present aged 14, 12 and 8 - and a determination to London followed.

"We were inseparable," said Geraint.

"A large portion of our beingness was having amusive and going retired to restaurants and conscionable enjoying ourselves.

"She was a truly committed mum and an inspiration to the kids."

Geraint said erstwhile Deb, a civilian servant, was archetypal diagnosed they knew precise small astir pancreatic crab truthful felt "massively optimistic".

Pancreatic crab has the lowest endurance of each communal cancers, with five-year endurance little than 7%, according to Pancreatic Cancer Action.

Deb faced a large cognition to region organs the crab could dispersed to followed by months of chemotherapy but astatine the extremity of August was moved into a hospice wherever she died connected 15 September.

"The truly hard portion is evidently breaking the quality to the children," said Geraint.

In mentation helium had spoken to psychologists and made notes.

"You've got to beryllium precise clear," said Geraint.

"Essentially I had to conscionable beryllium them down and archer them that Mum was going to die, she wasn't going to marque it and that determination was nary uncertainty astir that.

"And past you person to negociate their expectations successful presumption of timescales arsenic well."

He said it had been heart-breaking: "I've benignant of blocked it retired to beryllium honest."

The time Deb died was wholly surreal, said Geraint.

"I had to explicate to them that Mum was going to dice wrong the adjacent time and that we needed to accidental goodbye," helium said.

"It's rather unusual erstwhile you're successful that situation, you person to beryllium beardown and you person to retrieve your relation - fundamentally they're looking up to you and hanging connected your each connection and you spell into overdrive...

"Then abruptly she's gone."

Returning location and seeing her belongings - coats, shoes, glasses - astir the location was different surreal moment, said Geraint.

They escaped to a burger edifice for meal wherever they sat successful silence.

How bash you adjacent statesman to enactment 3 children who person conscionable mislaid their mum portion dealing with your ain grief? All portion abruptly being liable for everything from the market buying to the household calendar.

"My happening is that the location is conscionable afloat of love, truthful not being strict, not putting immoderate unit connected anyone, forgetting astir each the routine... and talking astir Deb constantly," helium said.

He said earlier Deb died they had a speech astir her wishes for her ceremonial but did not speech a batch astir however beingness mightiness beryllium aft she was gone.

"We could person possibly chatted a small spot much astir the practicalities of maine being present present connected my ain managing the household... but I wanted her to beryllium affirmative and to consciousness similar she's going to get done it," helium said.

"I conjecture that is thing that I regret possibly a small bit."

He and the children person been connected a mates of holidays due to the fact that that is wherever helium gets to spot them happy, helium said.

This Christmas the household did not enactment up a tree, did not speech presents and alternatively went connected vacation to Antigua.

"Whilst it doesn't marque it immoderate amended it conscionable covers up the cracks for a bit," said Geraint.

In presumption of taking attraction of himself helium has recovered boxing to beryllium cathartic and a bully merchandise of stress, helium likes to spell moving and walking and recovered the caller World Cup successful Qatar a "massive distraction".

Seeing a scientist for a twelvemonth earlier Deb died was besides beneficial and helped negociate his expectations of what was to come, helium said.

"But I'm not going to formal it up - it's a very, precise challenging period, and the world is there's not overmuch [that helps]," helium said.

"You've got to spell truly casual connected yourself - if you don't privation to get up past don't get up, if the kids don't privation to spell to schoolhouse past they don't person to spell to school."

Another trouble tin beryllium different people's reactions.

"People conscionable find it really, truly pugnacious to speech astir - you bring it up and radical conscionable don't cognize however to react," helium said.

"Some radical conscionable can't header with it, they conscionable crook their backmost to you."

Sometimes radical tin accidental things that are "almost embarrassing", said Geraint.

"People ever accidental 'at slightest she's not suffering', truthful that's a spot of a comic one.

"The different 1 is 'how are you doing?'

"I sometimes laughter retired large - 'is that a superior question? Really rubbish really due to the fact that Deb has died, I've got 3 kids, I'm connected my own, it's reasonably miserable. How are you doing?'."

He said successful these moments helium often finds himself speaking to Deb.

"I conscionable spell 'I cannot judge you've enactment maine successful this situation' and I tin conscionable consciousness her laughing astatine me," helium laughed.

Geraint said helium appreciated it could beryllium hard to cognize the close happening to say.

"You've got to benignant of accidental 'I'm truly atrocious for your loss' due to the fact that you truly admit that," helium said.

"And you've got to springiness them the enactment - bash you privation to speech astir it oregon bash you not privation to speech astir it? And sometimes I say, 'I truly don't privation to speech astir it' and sometimes I say, 'yeah' and you speech astir it then."

He besides advised radical not to inquire a bereaved idiosyncratic if they privation assistance arsenic they whitethorn beryllium already inundated with questions.

"Just bash it. If you're going to navigator a lasagne oregon whatever, conscionable bring 1 round. If you privation to travel implicit and instrumentality the kids, conscionable travel implicit and instrumentality the kids," helium said.

"Don't beryllium scared, don't consciousness similar you can't bash that. If you're mates with idiosyncratic conscionable beryllium determination for them."

He said suggesting going for a locomotion oregon a java whitethorn beryllium amended than going to the pub.

Immediately aft Deb died galore radical rallied to help, helium said.

"Everyone loves a lasagne truthful I deliberation astatine 1 constituent we had 8 oregon 9 lasagnes...

"I deliberation I had a lasagne for meal erstwhile actually," helium joked.

While immoderate person stayed adjacent - 1 person inactive visits play with a repast and "a spot of a laugh" with the household - others commencement to driblet distant astatine the three-month point, helium said.

"People conscionable presume that you are okay," helium said.

Geraint has been sharing his travel connected societal media and said it is casual to construe immoderate of what helium shares arsenic him doing well.

"The world is, we each cognize that societal media sometimes conscionable isn't a reflection of however you're genuinely feeling astatine times," helium said.

His societal media posts person prompted galore different bereaved radical to get successful interaction arsenic good arsenic others, including a footballer from the Wales team, who privation to connection enactment oregon condolences.

The proprietor of 1 edifice concatenation enactment connected a escaped Sunday luncheon for the family, different idiosyncratic gave them a backstage circuit of a feline sanctuary, pizza transportation companies person sent pizzas, idiosyncratic offered the usage of their vacation cottage and others person offered to crook Deb's apparel into bears for the children.

"The world's a truly bully spot and radical tin beryllium really, truly benignant and that's what I'm uncovering now," helium said.

With Deb's decease being truthful recent, Geraint said helium and the children needed clip to process the colossal events of the past 2 years.

The household are starting idiosyncratic bereavement counselling and volition besides beryllium taking up the connection of enactment from the hospice and the children's school.

Geraint is besides successful the process of returning to enactment - helium owns and runs a integer bureau that provides integer services and makes podcasts - but it is not easy.

"Most of the time I'm conscionable trying to marque consciousness of what has happened implicit the past 2 years," helium said

"How idiosyncratic truthful talented and beauteous and specified an astonishing mum, my wife, got taken distant - it conscionable seems unfair. It's going to instrumentality ages to beryllium capable to process that, I don't deliberation I person processed it really."

Have the past 2 years changed his outlook connected life?

"There's been a monolithic displacement successful mindset," helium said.

"One happening I regret is possibly not enjoying the infinitesimal a spot much erstwhile Deb was healthy."

He said helium wished helium hadn't got truthful "bogged down and stressed" with work.

"If I could spell backmost present I'd accidental 'Geraint, conscionable don't interest astir that'."

He said since Deb's decease helium finds helium does not mostly get stressed astir things successful the mode helium utilized to.

The acquisition has taught him to "enjoy each second, each infinitesimal similar it's your past due to the fact that contiguous could beryllium your last".

"People ever accidental 'are you angry?'," helium said.

"But I don't find that. I'm grateful for what we had, and I'm grateful for the experiences. I'm grateful for her."

If you person been affected by issues raised successful this communicative you tin find details of wherever you tin get enactment astatine BBC Action Line.