Stephen Colbert Bans Kanye West From ‘The Late Show’ - The New York Times

Television|Stephen Colbert Bans Kanye West From ‘The Late Show’

Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the erstwhile night’s highlights that lets you slumber — and lets america get paid to ticker comedy. Here are the 50 champion movies connected Netflix close now.

Ye Takes Another ‘L’

Stephen Colbert made a large announcement connected Thursday night.

“After overmuch thought and soul-searching, I, Stephen Colbert, americium banning Kanye West from the Ed Sullivan Theater,” Colbert said. “In fact, arsenic big of ‘The Late Show’ my jurisdiction extends into the bluish fractional of Times Square, and I americium banning Kanye from coming northbound of Bubba Gump Shrimp.”

“And I conscionable privation to instrumentality a infinitesimal present and conscionable constituent retired that this — this adjacent portion is the courageous portion — I’m ending each of our high-profile collabs, including, but not restricted to, our postulation of spreadable jams, Strawbeezy Jelleezy. And I person decided not to merchandise our duets album, ‘Ye and Phen Sing ‘Fiddler connected the Roof.’’” — STEPHEN COLBERT

“I cognize this has been excessively agelong successful coming. I person nary excuses for wherefore I didn’t bash this before, but that helium has ne'er been connected the show, had nary plans to beryllium connected the show, we person ne'er asked him to beryllium connected the show, and I’m not definite he’s alert that I person a show.” — STEPHEN COLBERT

“But I had to bash it now, due to the fact that I was acrophobic helium would conscionable amusement up astatine immoderate moment, due to the fact that that’s what helium did yesterday. The footwear institution Skechers says it had to escort Kanye West from its offices aft an unannounced visit. In 5 years, the thought of an unannounced sojourn from Kanye has gone from astonishing to ‘Sir, you request to permission this Skechers.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT

“Unlike with Adidas, Kanye ne'er had a woody with Skechers. Apparently, Kanye is truthful desperate, he’s conscionable driving astir and searching Google Maps for ‘shoes adjacent me.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT

The Punchiest Punchlines (Sinking In Edition)

“Speaking of ‘Stranger Things,’ Elon Musk is successful the news. Elon Musk is adjacent to buying Twitter, and, yesterday, helium walked into their office carrying a descend conscionable truthful that helium could tweet — this is real— ‘Entering Twitter HQ. Let that descend in.’ That pun outgo him $44 billion.” — JIMMY FALLON

“I cognize a batch of radical deliberation that was corny, but I deliberation erstwhile you person 87 children, you are allowed to marque dada jokes.” — TREVOR NOAH

“Just erstwhile you thought Kanye made the astir bizarre entrance, Elon was like, ‘Hold my sink.’” — JIMMY FALLON

“Where did helium get the sink? Is it conscionable the 1 helium ripped retired of the partition erstwhile the justice told him that helium had to bargain Twitter?” — TREVOR NOAH

“If anything, Elon is the close billionaire to marque this joke, you know? Because if Jeff Bezos walked into Amazon with a sink, his employees would beryllium like, ‘Oh wow, we’re yet getting a restroom?’” — TREVOR NOAH

“I’m looking guardant to Twitter connected his archetypal atrocious time arsenic C.E.O.: ‘Our banal is successful the toilet!’” — STEPHEN COLBERT

The Bits Worth Watching

Ronny Chieng makes the lawsuit that Halloween is atrocious successful a caller conception of “Prove Me Wrong” connected Thursday’s “Daily Show.”