Treat yourself to the post-Halloween Bottom 10

Inspirational thought of the week:

Monday greeting connected the floor
Keep calling retired for much and more
Stand up and get up, are you sure?
Best person kicks you retired the door
Upside down you mislaid the wheel
Raise your cervix and bellow it out

Bad candy has got you now
Bad candy has got you now

-- "Bad Candy," Twisted Wheel

Here astatine Bottom 10 Headquarters, located crossed the hallway from the message country wherever David Pollack sends retired his play handwritten complaints to referees to politely quality each targeting telephone ever made, we are rifling done the bottommost of the pillowcase we utilized connected Halloween, sifting done that ever bittersweet enactment of sweets that is near implicit arsenic November arrives and trick-or-treating begins to turn smaller successful our rearview mirrors.

No, it's not a postulation of Charlie Brown rocks, but determination is simply a heap of those brownish and orangish wax paper-covered blobs that mightiness arsenic good beryllium rocks. There's the telltale particulate of tasteless Necco Wafers that escaped from their wrappers to beryllium pulverized into the cloth of the bag. There are Mary Janes, immoderate those are. There's candy maize with the skid people of fake cocoa successful the middle.

And look ... there's a sticker of the UMass logo, escaped with lint and a toenail clipping stuck to the backmost of it. There's an aged No. 2 pencil that was stolen from a schoolroom astatine Akron. Then ... hold ... what's this? An envelope? With the University of Connecticut seal successful the corner? What's inside? Is that ... University of Maryland letterhead? It is! It has a $100 measure stapled to it. And what's this enactment that's scribbled connected the stationery?

"Dear Kid. Here's immoderate of my bonus wealth from that clip my squad kicked a tract extremity against Liberty, triggering my 'Field Goal In Every Game Even If It's A Loss' bonus. Now, instrumentality it and get the hellhole disconnected my lawn. Boo. Sincerely, Randy Edsall."

With apologies to Willy Wonka, West Virginia information Hershey McLaurin and Steve Harvey, here's the post-Week 9 Bottom 10 rankings.

1. UMess (1-7)

The Minutemen served arsenic the latest rung successful the ladder Whew Mexico State has stepped connected during their ascent from being ranked astatine the top/bottom of these standings up and into the extracurricular world. Think that country successful "The Dark Knight Rises" erstwhile Bruce Wayne climbs retired of that elephantine situation hole, but if you could really recognize what anyone was saying. Come to deliberation of it, the godforsaken helium recovered himself successful benignant of looked similar Las Cruces. Now they play The Artist Formerly Known As UCant, which is present successful the concern of putting teams successful the Bottom 10 successful their place. In related news, ESPN.com exertion Steven Richards was connected tract arsenic our Bottom 10 bureau reporter, but sources archer maine helium was escorted disconnected the premises aft repeatedly heckling the Other Aggies for "abandoning us!"

⁦@ESPNMcGee⁩ #Bottom10 analogous astatine this week's Pillow Fight of the Century pic.twitter.com/Hzvgopqti1

2. Akronmonious (1-8)

Speaking of teams that utilized to beryllium successful these rankings each the clip but present are really bully -- wait, don't beryllium confused, that wasn't astir Akron. It 100 percent deserves to beryllium there. But it besides is presently located successful the midst of a docket conception packed with erstwhile Bottom 10 friends who person inexplicably near america behind. Akron conscionable mislaid successful overtime to My Hammy of Ohio, which is present lone 1 crippled beneath .500. Now Akron faces the erstwhile Bottom 10 champion Eastern Michigan University Emus and the erstwhile contender Buffalo Bulls Not Bills, who person been to a combined 7 vessel games since 2016. Then Akron volition zip implicit to Northern Ill-ugh-noise for Thanksgiving, erstwhile we mightiness each beryllium thankful for a imaginable Pillow Fight of the End of the Year.

3. Colora-duh (1-7)

Speaking of Pillow Fights of the Week, the Buffs were rebuffed by then-Bottom 10 Wait Listers Arizona Skate. Both teams showed up for the crippled without a full-time caput coach. It was similar that clip we had a people tract travel to the zoo successful 3rd people and the teacher forgot to amusement up. My pal Jody Blanton drove the autobus implicit 30 mailboxes and 19 shrubs, but we got there.

4. No-vada (2-7)

The Oof Pack mislaid their seventh consecutive game. It's the worst streak successful Reno involving the connection consecutive since a banker from Los Angeles tried to play a Broadway consecutive by utilizing a queen of hearts that he'd snuck onto the Circus Circus casino level wrong his Members Only overgarment sleeve and was past seen riding connected a bass vessel astatine Lake Tahoe alongside a edifice income subordinate named Vinny Drywall.

5. "I'm a antheral I'm (losing by) forty (eight)!" (6-2)

Ah, the traditions of autumn. Leaves falling. Pumpkin spice everywhere. Political ads ruining everyone's bully mood. Oklahoma State losing a crippled that knocked them retired of the Top 10 and into the Coveted Fifth Spot.

6. US(notC)F (1-6)

In Jeff Scott's defense, it can't beryllium casual trying to manager your ain squad erstwhile your telephone is perpetually being blown up by Dabo Swinney asking, "Hey, bud, tin you refresh my representation astir those plays we utilized to tally backmost successful 2017?"

7. Temple of Doom (2-7)

The Temple Bowels have, er, passed a batch of teams this week acknowledgment to back-to-back losses to a brace of Bottom 10 flirts successful Living On Tulsa Time and Navy. Now, they big USF successful the Pillow Fight of the Week. The Owls' feathers are molting truthful severely that according to the magically and disturbingly close ESPN FPI computers, they person lone a 40% accidental of prevailing astatine location against a squad with 1 triumph that is ranked 1 spot ahead/below them successful these rankings. Then again, possibly arsenic they were doing probe for this game, the ESPN Stats & Info staffers ordered up immoderate Philly cheesesteaks and got Cheez Whiz each implicit their calculators.

8. North by Northworstern (1-7)

Speaking of crunching numbers, determination a batch of truly astute quality calculators astatine Northwestern, location to 1 of Earth's astir respected mathematics and statistic departments. Perhaps they tin explicate however a squad surrenders 33 points to Iowa, which has spent each autumn avoiding extremity zones arsenic if they were afloat of slayer bees.

9. Huh-why-yuh (2-7)

The Rainbow Warriors volition decorativeness the play facing a quartet of chap Mountain West members successful Fresno State, Utah State, UNLV and San Jose State. The atrocious news? According to FPI, implicit the period they volition mean astir a 22% accidental of winning immoderate 1 of those games. The bully news? If they spell 0-4 and marque a precocious tally astatine the Bottom 10 title, they volition inactive walk their offseason successful Hawai'i.

10. #gobc(c) (2-6)

Boston College and UConn are located lone 80 miles apart, yet past play was conscionable the 15th gathering since their archetypal matchup backmost connected Nov. 7, 1908. It was besides the Huskies' first-ever triumph implicit the Eagles. That's what happens erstwhile you people lone 3 points. Unless you're Miami and Virginia and you lone people 3 points, but you conscionable support doing that implicit and implicit again. Reminder: BC bushed Louisville, who conscionable crushed Wake Forest, who bushed Florida State, who bushed LSU, who bushed Ole Miss, who bushed Miami, who bushed Virginia Tech, who bushed Boston College who ... aw hell, I springiness up. #goacc indeed.

Waiting List: Charlotte 2-and-7ers, Virginia Tech No-kies, Lose-iana Tech, Arkan-saw State, Northern Ill-ugh-noise, Central not Western oregon Eastern Michigan, Whew Mexico, ULM (pronounced "Uhlm"), governmental ads during large games, saying "Let's ride!"