Advice | Ask Damon: My boyfriend died. Then I found out he had another partner. - The Washington Post

He died precocious of a bosom onslaught and I learned that helium had a agelong word spouse who lived overseas and came to sojourn a mates of times year. This explains a lot. He covered it up with immoderate misdirection and immoderate lies. I person immoderate transportation to his household and person a immense tendency to archer them I didn’t cognize astir the partner. I privation them to cognize that I wasn’t knowingly cheating connected this woman. And portion of maine wants to marque definite she knows arsenic well. People are grieving truthful I’m giving it immoderate space. As things stand, I’ve been chopped disconnected from immoderate of the main avenues of grieving with different radical who loved him. And adjacent though I’m furious, I miss him. Should I conscionable support my rima unopen adjacent though it feels impossible?

— Mamie

Mamie: I’m precise atrocious for your loss. Grief tin beryllium arbitrary, sneaky and cruel, and this seems to beryllium peculiarly hard for you due to the fact that of your deceased boyfriend’s analyzable legacy.

Unfortunately, I person much questions for you than answers. So galore questions.

1. Does the spouse cognize astir you? (If so, how?)

2. What precisely were his boundaries? Asking due to the fact that “he had immoderate boundaries” could beryllium thing from “he lone drank Aquafina and refused to effort different bottled h2o brands” to “in 4 years together, I ne'er erstwhile saw wherever helium lived.”

3. Are we definite helium was cheating connected her? From what you wrote successful your question, it’s imaginable helium was dishonest with you, but practicing non-monogamy with his partner. Which, considering that they lived connected antithetic continents and would lone spot each different doubly a year, is conceivable.

4. What are these main avenues of grief that you’ve been chopped disconnected from?

There are truthful galore accusation gaps present that it’s hard to grasp connected to thing concrete. Which is not your fault. You were successful a relationship, for 4 years, with idiosyncratic who presented a mendacious world to you, and this deficiency of clarity is reflected successful the vagueness of what you’re sharing astir your feelings. But I deliberation you request to find immoderate wide answers astir them earlier you proceed.

For instance, what precisely are you furious about? His dishonesty? Or the feeling that you’ve been barred from grieving? Are you upset that the family, who you said you person a narration with, didn’t archer you? Basically, is your impetus present to fto everyone cognize that you were a large portion of each other's lives, and that you merit the aforesaid “grief status” that a household subordinate oregon adjacent person would receive? Or is it to fto everyone cognize that you were clueless?

If the household was unaware, I’m funny what worth your confession would provide. Sure, it would uncover a portion of him that they mightiness not person seen, and possibly that’s your extremity here. But, again, what would it bash for you? I uncertainty the household would beryllium speedy to assistance you that elusive grief status, and truthful you’d apt inactive find yourself connected the outside. (And, to beryllium fair, I’m not definite that everyone would judge that you had nary hint helium was partnered. I judge you. But I’m not them.)

I support coming backmost to what you said astir the avenues of grief, and I’m inactive unsure astir what’s getting successful the mode of you grieving him. Maybe you’re not capable to bash the aforesaid benignant of public, societal media remembrance that his spouse and the remainder of his household might’ve. But what’s stopping you from grieving successful private? And possibly moving done these complications with your friends and household alternatively of his?

I apologize for not having a clearer solution for you. But possibly — hopefully — you’ll reply immoderate of these questions, and your way volition emerge.